Up

Without going into detail, suffice it to say, I had a bad morning.  Well, that was an understatement, but again, without detail, I had a bad morning.

I needed some time to collect my thoughts and let my eyes unpoof before heading into work to take care of people with bigger problems that what I was facing.

After a quick lunch, despite the fact hunger wasn’t registering, I went for a walk among the pines.  I found it hard to pray.  I was too numb to pray.  After I paced a park for awhile, I plopped down on a bench.  AlI wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and cry….but that was neither the time nor the place for that to happen.  

So I layed back and looked up.  This was my view.

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A simple reminder that I live in a paradise under long leaf pines and the Lord was smiling at me, sitting with me, as he always does.  It brought a smile to my face.

My situation is not hopeless — there is 1 shard of hope — a long shot by the set standards, but that remains to be seen.  If I ever grow the intestinal fortitude to explain the vagueness, well, that too remains to be seen.

I do not know what’s next.  Or where this journey will lead.  But I know Him.

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Crossing

With My One Word for 2013 being Today (or “heute” in German), I wondered what the Lord would do with it.  I know what I want done…..but what about Him?

So far it’s been a month into the new year and I’m quickly figuring out what He means by Today:  Oh, you have that planned?  Yeah, you’re not doing that.  You’re doing {insert something completely different here}.  As someone who loves surprises, I’m all about random side adventures.  Unfortunately, sometimes, these aren’t always the fun flavor of adventures.  They have included comforting a friend, learning a prediction I made came to pass (not the happy kind), reassuring a parent that their daughter’s lab work doesn’t mean cancer, walking with someone on a road they never intended to be walking on, and having a sex talk with my Dad from a medical standpoint.  There’s been awesome stuff too like exploring downtown Fayetteville, trying out a new restaurant on a whim – Chipolte – super excited one is arriving in Wilmington soon – their veggie tacos are beyond amazing, getting to rock climb again and realize how much I miss it, reminiscing about my long past college days, showing up randomly at a panel discussion/movie, and hearing from an old friend.  It’s been quite a month.

And strangely enough, I should be exhausted.  But I’m not.  While my heart breaks for a few situations, I’m not overburdened or feeling hopelessly overwhelmed.  I truly believe it comes back to Philippians 4:19, “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”  He will give me everything I need to accomplish His purposes.  Today.  Just today.  I have coffee with Jesus every morning, which has deepened my relationship with the Lord.  “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)  For me, in this moment, this “cross daily” bit means not doing what I had planned – and I’m sure as the year wears on, that will change as I change, as situations change.  I’m someone who worries about the future and what it holds, I must admit I am a bit nervous.  But I know His plans are much better than what I have drawn up.   The good, the bad – it’s all for Him.  And so I walk, I carry, knowing that His yoke is easy.

I did not make the following cartoon and I was unable to find a source for it, but I took it off a random webpage.  It really does speak true.

The Cross Walk 02The Cross Walk 03

2013 and what follows….

2012 was a pretty freakin’ awesome year. I am quite happy looking back at all the changes, adventures, and growth that occurred.  So needless to say, I am super pumped for 2013.

There is a local church here that does this program every year.  Their pastor wrote a book about it that’s available now.  For 2012, My One Word was “Wachsen” – or “Grow.” (Wachsen being the German form of the word.)  You can read about my outlook for this word here.

At first, I couldn’t find a word for 2013.  Usually by Thanksgiving I have found a word or have an idea….not this time.  I knew the Lord would give me a word when the time was right and this past week I figured it out.

Heute.  Today.

It really does tie in with so much in my life right now.  While I haven’t blogged much about it because it is a very private thing, I struggle with seasons of depression/anxiety.  It got particularly bad this year, reaching it’s peak in the fall; while I’m not currently being treated for it, I’m pretty good about keeping it in check, but this time it seemed to escalate more than just the casual flare ups that happen every so often.  While this flavor of the disease I have is very mild compared to what others struggle with, it is still a heavy weight on my mind.  By using the word, Today, I am only going to focus on Today.  The moment.  The here and now.  Even Jesus said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34)

This goes hand in hand with constant obsession with the future.  What will happen?  Will this happen?  Will that happen?  What if I….?  What if…..and then….what if….what if….?  I sometimes get so carried away that anxiety via my imagination projects the most obtuse futures; nothing is accomplished.  Only the Lord knows and His will is the only thing that will bring me peace.  And so, today again.  Just today.  Like the quiet time I have nearly every day, may my life be lead by the scriptures and not my own listless thoughts.  “Today his Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” (Luke 4:21)

It goes hand in hand with my word from last year, Grow.  Growth requires things every day.  Watering plants when I see they need watered.  Taking care of things the moment they happen and not procrastinating — whether that be some living thing that needs my attention (a garden) or a loved one needs a kind word in the moment (I sometimes tend to “wait it out.”).  Today.  Taking the moment, finishing things as they come and so they don’t get cluttered up in my head, desk drawer, kitchen, car, or station at work.

Last year I felt that death would strike: and it did.  It hit pretty close to home in 2012 a few times.  This year I feel it will be more about life.  I know of several couples who are going to start a family this year.  I know The General and I have some decisions to make this year about our futures.  Today.  One day at a time.  It astounds me that’s how the Lord designed it.  I want to slow down this year and savor the sweetness of every moment; with friends, riding a wave, sitting on the beach, getting lost in a novel, amazing moments with my husband, the laughter that will fill my house this year, enjoying a glass of wine, trying something new, and oh! The adventures the Lord has planned for me this year.  “Give us this day our daily bread.” (Matthew 6:11)

Es ist Heute.  It is today.