Inappropriate things

I was at a local organic market the other day grabbing lunch and some elderberry syrup — I think I’m starting to get sick.  Not only was my nose completely stuffed the other night, but I also had a dream that I had the flu.  Arg.  Anyway, I saw this product called “liver cleanse” and how you need to clean out your liver with this product to ensure it’s working and remove all the toxins.

I burst out laughing right in the middle of the aisle.

One of the main jobs of the liver is to remove toxins and old red blood cells – not to mention making chemicals so your blood can clot – among other things.  YOU NEVER WOULD NEED TO DO A LIVER CLEANSE!!!  It does not need help.  If your liver is not working properly, you’ll go jaundiced – yellowing of the skin/eyes and your poop may turn gray (that’s really bad, go to an ER).  If your liver does indeed stop working you have 12 hours to either get a new one or get it working again.  I’m shocked they can actually sell that.

I was invited to a baby shower recently and is it inappropriate to buy something for the parents, rather than the baby?  Like gifts you would buy for a batechorlette party?  I think sometimes people focus so much on the babies that they completely neglect the parents.  Maybe if I did show up to a baby shower with gifts of lube and a gift certificate for dinner out, I would be black balled from other baby showers?  I can’t see this being a bad thing — and the new parents win.  I firmly believe that if you are not a good spouse you will not be a good parent.  I say that as a cat mom who sometimes forgets to feed her kids.  But they’re really good at reminding me.  And my General is wonderful.


Mother trucker

Happy freakin’ mother’s day.  Sorry about that episiotomy, Mom.

I got a little jaded about this whole holiday and it really doesn’t mean that much to me (well, except for my Mom).  I sent her and my MIL a card – and we called them on Sunday.  That was all well and good.

The problem I had was at church.  As I was walking (I arrived way early) to the class room, a child’s father saw me and said, “Happy mother’s day.”  My face went completely blank.  I’m not a mom.  How do I respond? “Thank you” to be polite?  “Nope, sorry, I am reproductively inept, I have a better chance of winning the lottery than having children and oh yeah — I’ve never bought a lottery ticket.  But I practice a lot!” no, that sounds way too….disenchanted.  So instead I said the 1st thing that popped into my head: “I have cats.”

I pride myself on thinking fast on my feet, but it just wasn’t happening that morning.  “Oh,” he replied.

I was willing to let that go.  Really, it rolled off my back and I kinda giggled about it.  I got to my classroom and the lady from the previous service was still there, so I just stood nearby.  She gave me the weirdest look, as I was off in outer space. “Well, are you going to pick up your child?” she finally asks.  I saw there were 3 stragglers left.  “Oh, no, I’m here for the door for the next service!” I said quickly.  “Oh,” she replied.


So I got through my volunteer gig without any more people thinking I was a mom.  Whew.

And then I left to attend the service and made the mistake of going through the door where the parents leave.  The gentleman at the door tried to give me a reminder note they give to all parents and almost started to say, “Happy mother’s day” when I said, “No thanks, I work here.”  “Oh.”

At this point I was a little bothered.  I’ve kinda sorta not really questioned myself lately on if not having children was a good decision.  Could we have children?  Probably, with the help of modern day science, some prayer, and some luck.  There’s the age thing (The General is…..old….in terms of fatherhood), the money thing, the I have the next 10 years of European travel planned out thing, the simple fact that every man I’ve been close to says I shouldn’t have children because I’m….well…..crazy.  Okay, so I can’t drive a car effectively, make something from a recipe card without it catching on fire or being otherwise inedible, navigate through a grocery store, or change a diaper – I more or less march to the beat of my own drum and find a hard time fitting in.  Not to mention, I have the maternal instinct of a sea turtle (take the kids to the beach!).

The life I am living now is more than I could have ever hoped for in my wildest dreams.  I never expected to live in paradise, marry such a wonderfully awesome man, or be as content as this in the moment.  It’s a catch 22.  Would I regret having kids when my husband seems miles away and I’m running to and fro trying to be frugal, caught up in the stress of family life?  Would I regret not having kids and traveling, and just being a wandering spirit?  I don’t have the answers to these questions and as far as I’m concerned, it’s up to the Lord.  His will for me is all I desire.  And if I meant to have children, HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

A fellow non-mom at work and I discussed the craziness of mother’s day on women.  She had the same problem at work: they were giving out flowers to moms.  No flower for us.  We likened it to being single on Valentine’s Day – it just sucks – you feel out of place and ostracized.  Although I suggested that I should get a flower because I made someone a Mom (my Mom – I’m the 1st born).  “You donated eggs?” she asked.  I cracked up.  Heavens no.

But today is a new day and it’s absolutely beautiful outside.  It’s too bad I have to spend it at work.

Lesson of the day: Much like V Day, please do not wish a random stranger a happy mother’s day unless they are >6 months pregnant or toting a child.  Thank you.

Kids everywhere!

It’s been about a month, so I feel I should blog about my new endeavor: working the door at Sunday School in the 4 year old room. Oh, and did I mention a normal service has over 1,000 people? Yeah. It’s crazy, but it makes me smile.

I’ve harped on kids for years. I don’t like them at work, I’ve avoided churches where I would be expected to volunteer in the nursery, and at the age of 23 decided I would be barren. I still have not actually held a baby (I will hold them when they are 13 months and up). So I thought 4 year olds would be a good choice. I’m logical, you can reason with them to a degree; none of this screaming neonate stuff.  And they can go to the bathroom by themselves.  Huge bonus.

I scared a lot of people when I told them what I was doing – like my husband.  My background check cleared – the Lord led me to it and wanted to do something at church – my kooky schedule doesn’t allow normal people hours to do stuff.  And honestly, I was scared.  What the hell am I doing?  I avoid elevators with children.  My fallopian tubes tied themselves in knots on a flight from Dublin to Paris because of children.  I am a loading dock/mixer board/arrange chairs/strike the set kind of girl.  But the thing was, I’ve done all that.  I love it and I miss it, but it’s an experience I’ve already enjoyed.  I don’t ever want to be pigeon-holed.  My motto in life is the same as Monty Python’s:  And now for something completely different.

I think a small part of it is the curiosity.  Most of my friends are on Baby #2 and they blog and status update and talk about their little ones.  I haven’t been around children in 12 years.  I used to be very active in VBS, working with autistic kids, and being a summer camp counselor (summer of hell) – but I got away from all that in college and beyond.  Things change.

And just like I love spinach now, maybe they’re changing again.  While I can’t be a mom, I can rock it out as an auntie and facilitating check-in to a huge Sunday School class.

I’m like a bouncer in a way, but one Sunday I did sit in on a class as “crowd control.”  4 year olds are very weird.  They say things that don’t make sense.  They have the attention span of a HSN news clip.  They will try to kiss you (My response?  “I’m married, please don’t kiss me.”)  I’m so used to self-motivating adults, that this is a huge stretch for me.  I have to tell you to pick up the puzzle you just threw on the floor?  Really?  C’mon!

Really, it’s a very structured environment, helping these little ones learn about the Lord who loves them so much.  I’m glad I get to be part of that.

The cutest thing so far?  After the teacher reads a short Bible story, it’s snack time.  The girls get up first to find a chair, sit, and then the boys follow.  My face registered confusion as to why the genders split up as if on cue.  “Would someone like to explain to The General’s Wife why the girls get to go 1st?” asked the teacher.  One little boy raised his hand and answered, “It’s because we’re learning to be  gentlemen by letting the girls go 1st.”  Melted my heart.  How amazing is that? Awwww.

I have no idea where this is going to go.  Is it my calling?  I don’t know.  I’ll serve in this role until I feel the Lord tug me in another direction.